


draft.

by kaworaru



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, I'm Sorry, M/M, Other, dgkhfj, this is probably really boring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9078697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaworaru/pseuds/kaworaru
Summary: a simple monologue of kaworu in episode 24's second draft.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i was intending to do first draft, but i've already gotten half of this written so i guess i'll write first draft another time, rip?? but sorry if this boring at all kdgjf, i was just bored and felt like doing something like this...

i was playing piano when he came to see me.

_** “oh, is someone there?” ** _

 of course there was; it was foretold he would come here. he asks me who i am and says i am not a student he has seen before in his school.

_** “i’m a transfer student,” ** _

 i tell him. he questions this. i play dumb as i’m supposed to.

**_ “i brought my transfer papers where the school was supposed to be.. but as i suspected, not a soul is here.” _ **

he tells me about how everyone has moved to another location; tokyo-2. i ask him why he was there and he told me he was left behind. i pity him and laugh.

_** “poor thing.” ** _

a wind passes through the empty building, giving us chills down our spines.

_** “the wind.. ** _

_** “i thought i might have been the sound of spirit voices. ** _

_** “spirit voices?” ** _

he looks confused but fascinated. i suppose this is something new.

_** “didn’t you know? in the dead of night in the school gymnasium, you can hear voices making merry. ** _

_** “no. ** _

_** “they say that the spirits of children who aren’t done playing leave their bodies as they sleep, and gather in these places. ** _

_** “huh.” ** _

i go on a tangent about the heian period and “akugaru”— or “akogareru”— the spirits who are drawn out of their body by a yearning for something they couldn’t gain. and like it was rehearsed, a another wind flies by, bringing faint voices with it. while he was frightened, i swiftly left. i can hear him call for me.. but i can’t respond.

 

the next time i see him is when i’m introduced as their fifth pilot. i can see the blatant surprise on his face, but i continue to smile. the woman introducing me speaks.

_** “this is the pilot of eva unit 01, ikari shinji. and formerly unit 00’s pilot, ayanami rei. ** _

_** “pleased to meet you. i look forward to working together. ** _

_** “same here.” ** _

this “ayanami rei” speaks as if she is detached. the woman speaks again, telling me to direct my questions about living here in their geofront to him; ikari shinji. i hold out my hand and tell him it is pleasant to meet him. he grasps my hand and i stare into his eyes. he seems flustered by this— how cute, i couldn’t help but smile.

 

he is in the public bath. i take every opportunity i can to speak to him, it’s what i must do. while he bathes, i enter, ready to join him. he notices me, of course.

_** “you always head off before everyone.” ** _

realizing i am bare, he avoids looking at me. my, what an easily flustered child he is.

_** “i wonder, are you avoiding me?" ** _

he tells me he isn’t avoiding me.

_**  “you’re such a liar. you totally are. ** _

he watches me from the corner of his eye, but does not entirely turn towards me.

_** “you should have told me you were the fifth child. ** _

_** “that’s my line. i didn’t know you were the third… are you mad about that? ** _

_** “not really. ** _

_** “—is it always like this? like, kinda tense? ** _

_** “tense? ** _

_** “both lieutenant katsuragi and you. ** _

_** “a lot of stuff has happened. before you came, mr. kaji and ayanami, they… ** _

_** “what happened to the first?” ** _

he hesitates, curling his arms around himself and no longer glancing at me.

_** “uh.. nevermind. ** _

_** “tell me. ** _

_** “i don’t want to talk about it. ** _

_** “oh, so it’s confidential.” ** _

he stays silent at this. he doesn’t intend to budge much further, so i climb into the bath with him and settle down.  the water is warm and soothing, but that is not my main concern.

_** “but, it’s made you pretty timid when it comes to human contact. ** _

_** “i’ve always been like this. if i don’t know someone, we can’t betray or hurt each other.” ** _

ah, so that’s how it is… these lilin are so cruel to one another.

_** “but isn’t that kind of lonesome? ** _

_** “that’s just how it is. i was born this way. i can’t change. i hate that about myself so much. to be honest, i want to scream and run away from myself. ** _

_** “but i always hear you saying that you mustn’t run away. ** _

_** “i figure, if i’ll get reborn as a new person when i die, i don’t mind if i do. ** _

_** “i dunno about that. you seem to be a person who values yourself above all else.” ** _

he’s silent again. so i’m right, aren’t i? ah well, that’s not particularly a bad thing, i suppose. though, i must stop this silence from prolonging. i turn to him slightly.

_** “let me see your hand. ** _

_** “huh? ** _

_** “your left hand.” ** _

i reach out and grab hold of it, holding it up and running my fingers around his palm.

_** “you have callouses on your finger tips. ** _

_** “it’s from playing cello. ** _

_** “i play a little. ** _

_** “how lovely.” ** _

i tighten my hand around his. i can feel his beating heart. he’s so excited. suddenly he starts to slowly stand and release the grip on my hand.

_** “sorry.. i need to get out.” ** _

he lets go and leaves me in the bath. he seems to be swaying. has the heat gotten to him? he doesn’t get far before he collapses to the ground, unconscious. i sigh and get up and out of the bath, approaching his fainted form and picking him up. he got so overwhelmed that he overheat and fainted. poor boy.

 

it’s a while until he wakes up. i’ve been by his side this whole time; i cared for him the entire span he was out.

_** “you awake?” ** _

he doesn’t respond but he starts to sit up, rubbing his eyes and breathing deeply to process the situation.

_** “you passed out. you really scared me when you collapsed. ** _

_** “sorry… for being such a bother. ** _

_** “you must be tired, i’m sure. so much has happened. ** _

_** “yeah. a lot has happened…” ** _

i look away from him and around his empty room. i notice his cello… well, i focus my attention on it. i have already seen it when i first entered.

_** “is that yours? ** _

_** “yeah. ** _

_** “it’s a nice cello. ** _

_** “it was my mother’s.” ** _

his mother… what is having a mother like? what does it feel like to have parents at all? people who create you… it’s such a foreign concept. hm, where did i come from anyways?

_** “oh, i know. we should play together. you on cello, me on piano. i’m sure it’ll calm you down. it must be suffocating being trapped underground, just doing eva tests all day. ** _

_** “but, i don’t think my cello playing is as good as your piano. i’m embarrassed. ** _

_** “it’ll just be for fun. plus, what do we have to be embarrassed about at this point?” ** _

his face turns red when he remembers what had happened before he fainted. haha, just as i thought he would… truly easily flustered, indeed.

_** “is there a piano somewhere around here? ** _

_** “i think there should be one in the lounge. ** _

_** “i have a startup test with unit 02 tomorrow. let’s go tomorrow after that. promise? ** _

_** “okay.” ** _

good. we’ll get to make music together. i’m so excited.. hm, this is so strange, i’ve never felt something like this no matter how far back i think of my life.

_** “goodnight. ** _

_** “goodnight.” ** _

my lips are now touching his; is this a kiss? why did i feel the need to do this for him? ah, could it be—? no.. no, it couldn’t be… it’d be terribly unfortunate if that happened… truly. but he doesn’t seem to hate it.

 

it’s time to do my startup test with unit 02. i click the switch and allow the plugsuit to fit on to me. i end up staring at my wrist. hm, those cuts… i don’t remember why i put them there and how long it has been. i wonder… i stop my thoughts and exit, heading to the test site, being stopped by ayanami rei midway. she hands me a card; she tells me it is a flow chart of the test and that i must look it over. i thank her. and as i take it, our fingers graze. what is this shock i feel? it doesn’t take long to realize; she is lilith’s vessel.

_** “so that’s what ikari meant..” ** _

she’s silent. but i know she knows too.

_** “you’re just like me. i think i have a better idea of what i’m supposed to do now. ** _

_** “just who, are you? ** _

_** “well, bye.” ** _

i must swiftly go. i understand now. from then on, it is a blur. all i know is what i must do. i enter unit 02, allow ourselves to sync then begin. the unit has now ripped itself free of restraint and is struggling. our power is cut, but i doubt that’ll stop us. it breaks through walls and leaves while everyone is in a panic. we head to him, our goal...

 

i hear him. he’s come after me; he is outraged. he has his right to be. unit 01 pulls its knife out on me, and of course, i can’t deny his challenge, so unit 02 drags its own out as well. we’re fighting now as we move deeper into the underground. soon enough, we have reached the bottom and a wall crumbles to reveal him; adam. lieutenant calls out to him and with that, unit 02 cut 01’s blade into the lcl beneath us. but the battle continues and eventually, i allow unit 02 to throw its knife down. i freeze 02 to speak and prepare to exit.

_** “the eva series. born of adam, a being you should have stayed away from. but you lilin used it and survived. i don’t understand it.” ** _

as i exit, i hear him speak of me tricking him and using him. ah, why does that hurt me so?

_** “that’s not it at all. it think it is a wonderful thing that i got to meet you. i’ve reached my destination. i have no intent to continue fighting. i never wanted to quarrel with you in the first place.” ** _

i step out of of the entry plug and begin to float, making myself stand before the half-bodied angel in front of me. a vessel and the source. i look up at him.

_** “once i touch this monster, the path of humanity will close. ** _

_** “the path of humanity? ** _

_** “yes, the path of human evolution. but, it really doesn’t matter either way to me.” ** _

i laugh. that’s new— free will and thought? what would the overseeing seele say about me if they saw this? i turn away and look up at him in his unit 01.

_** “you’re the only one who can end my life. if it’s by your hand, i couldn’t be happier, even if it means my death. i do feel a little regretful that we didn’t have a chance to perform together though.” ** _

he proposes we return with each other to play our sweet music and mentions he practiced just for it. my chest tightens and i laugh a bit more… why does this hurt?

_** “i’m sorry, but i can’t. i can feel something stirring inside me. i think it’s my instinct.” ** _

i don’t need to see him to know he is disappointed and upset. but i mustn’t let this blind him.

_** “hurry!” ** _

but my body is already moving. i turn around once again and leap towards adam. before i could touch him, a shadow wraps around me. ah, he’s done it. he released me from my inevitably written fate.

 

oh, shinji… **i think i really was in love with you.**

**Author's Note:**

> [ all the dialogue is not my own, but a translation of the second draft, you can read here: http://pastebin.com/9c0XEnhL . ]


End file.
